I left the L.A. area on Monday night about 10 pm. I decided it would be better to drive at night than deal with the heat that I experienced on the way down. I was right, it was so much more comfortable. I guess I should get the air-conditioning fixed on my car.
But comfortable or not, 12 hours of driving is a serious drag. And the gas prices an insult! I know, blame it on Bush.(if it makes you feel any better).
I was happy to see so many people at my Brother John's memorial Mass. And I'm very grateful to those that drove so far to pay their respects to John's memory.
Uncle Tom (Toby) and his son Abraham (Abie), from the Bay Area. Cousin's Janet & Fred,(Orange County), Sister Cheryl (San Fernando Valley) Uncle Roger & Aunt MaryAnn (also San Fernando Valley). Brother Stan & Jodi (Las Vegas). And to everyone that was there, my heartfelt thanks.
As I said in a previous post, the last time I saw John was not a pleasant visit, but that said, we were brothers.
In our past, we have had many knock down, drag out fights. We Have exchanged harsh words, (putting it mildly). And had many differences of opinion, on many subjects. We didn't see eye to eye on anything I can think of. But we were Brothers. I loved him, he loved me.
I know there was never a question about that in my, or his mind.
John had a tumultuous life, he had to battle his demons for a long time. But he did overcome that part of his life. He overcame, and he worked toward what he wanted from life, a home, a family.
He was able to accomplish both. I just wish that he could have lived long enough to see his children become adults. But of course, every parent hopes to live long enough to see their children grow up.
I believe John, like the rest of us, did the best he could, under his circumstances, to be the best he could be. He died too soon, too young!
I don't know if he had things he wanted to accomplish that he didn't get to. I hope not.
But, for us, the still living, the message is clear. Don't wait. Get what you want to accomplish done, then when you gotta go, you can go knowing you didn't leave with unfinished business.
I'm ready, without notice, to go. I don't want to go, I love life, There are still lots of things I'd like to do. But none that would make me feel like I missed out. I'm still interested in what may happen, what can happen.
I think the trip is fascinating, who cares about the destination.
Even when I think back to the times I thought were the worst, I feel blessed to have experienced those times. A broken heart, how wonderful that I could love enough to hurt that much.
Depression, very bad feeling, and hard to get thru. But I wouldn't be me without experiencing that feeling.
Self doubt, another tough one, again, wouldn't be who I am today without going through it.
The pain, self doubt, angst, depression, fear, are all part of who I am. It would have been a pretty dull life without them.
How can you know what joy really feels like, if you haven't felt despair? I don't think you can.
I have a lot to be thankful for. And believe me I am.
4 comments:
Beautifully written. I couldnt agree more. I too am thankful for everything and everyone around me. You've always been a very positive influence on me, and I have a very deep respect for you. Keep up the good work dad, I love you.
To me, Uncle John will never be truely dead so long as I have these precious thoughts and memories of my history with him, we worked together, we pirated TV together, and we talked, he liked to talk, and thank god for that. I remember him talking about you, and your house in Oregon, and how he respects that you are such a free spirit, with a big heart, oh yeah, and immediately after saying that, he complained about having to dump the bucket under the sink saying something like "Raymond... is that a way to live?" to which I replied "dad doesnt mind though" lol Good memory.
THANK U FOR EXPRESSING YOURSELF SO WELL.BEING YOUR MOTHER,I FEEL THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU MAYBE BE READY TO LEAVE THIS WORLD AT ANY TIME A MOTHER IS NEVER READY TO HAVE THEIR CHILDREN LEAVE THIS WORLD BEFORE THEY DO.SO MAYBE THATS WHY THEY WORRY ABOUT THEIR LIFE STYLE....YOU ARE A HARD WORKER, A GOOD FATHER,A LOVING SON,I WISH I HAD BEEN A BETTER ROLE MODEL FOR U GROWING UP...LOVING U ALWAYS..
Ray, thank's for your comments & compliments. I'm living better now, I don't have to dump the bucket anymore!
And Mom, you did a great job as a role model. You worked hard, and steady. You housed,fed,clothed,and loved your kids. So it wasn't Leave it to Beaver. But I have alot of happy memories. You have my undying respect for the job you accomplished. And of course my undying Love also.
Bobby:
It was so good to see you, even if it was such a sad occasion.
We always enjoy being in the loop to receive your journals! It was good to see Ray and Daryll and Cathy after all these years.Those guys have grown up to be such fine young men,you have taught them well, and we know full well how hard June had to struggle with 3 young men to care for virtually alone. She is a remarkable and loving mother and has always done her utmost for everyone. She deserves the best of everything, God bless her!
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